


I don't want you to leave, can you hold my hand?

by CustardCreamies



Category: The Grand Tour (TV) RPF, Top Gear (UK) RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Jeremy is surprisingly being helpful, M/M, No wives, Patagonia special spoilers, slight AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-01
Updated: 2015-01-01
Packaged: 2018-03-04 19:46:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,786
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3086381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CustardCreamies/pseuds/CustardCreamies
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The words "James May" and "horses" do not mix, this is a known fact. When they do mix, disaster happens and a few confessions.....</p>
            </blockquote>





	I don't want you to leave, can you hold my hand?

**Author's Note:**

> This took ages to write and is quite possibly the longest thing I have ever written. Please comment and let me know what you think!

James May has no animosity to horses. They just don't like him. Take Burma for instance. He was just finally settling down and getting used to the foreign and terrifying feeling of riding a horse when Richard's horse had crashed into his, causing Richard to fall off and badly sprain his hand. That incident wasn't the first time that a horse was going to cause an accident. The second time it happened it had been worse.

Richard had found a couple of horses they could ride to get into the next town. James wasn't too happy with the idea and was glad when Jeremy had backed him up. There was no way the two of them would be riding horses, at all. Ever.

But Richard had this way of persuading them to do so. James thought privately to himself that it was his eyes. He looked almost like a puppy when he wanted them to do something.

So this is how James found himself walking towards the horse, who was looking very highly strung and panicky. James felt himself begin to panic. Richard saw that the horse had his ears flat back and called to James "just talk soothingly to him, rub his nose, but be gentle, do it slowly"

James nodded and started to softly talk to the horse "easy...." he shakily held a hand out and stroked the horse's muzzle. It had no effect. The horse seemed to be becoming more and more spooked as the time dragged on.

James decided that the best way to deal with this was to just get it over with and so he indicated to the man holding the horse that he was about to get on. The man nodded and James went over to the side and put his foot in the stirrup. He was just about to swing his leg over when suddenly the horse started bucking and jumping about. James held onto the saddle tightly, praying that he'd hold on but he wasn't strong enough. He soon found himself flying through the air and landing smack on the ground. Rolling a few times before coming to a complete stop.

He was aware of a burning pain and his vision swam and danced before his eyes. He felt like he was going to black out. He closed his eyes against the sudden dizzying rush and every breath sent pain through him. He was aware of voices calling his name and when he opened his eyes he found that Richard was leaning over him, panic on his face.

"You'll be okay, just stay still James" Richard was saying softly, a medic had now come onto the scene and was tending to him. James focused on Richard's voice and tried to ignore the burning sensation coming from his ribs. He knew without being told that he may have broken some of them. Dimly, through the pain he was aware of a hand curling into his own and he looked up at Richard in surprise..was Richard holding his hand?

Richard must have caught his look because he pulled back his hand quickly and James suddenly found that he missed the small amount of contact, which was odd.

* * *

Richard stayed by James' side as the medical team bandaged his ribs. He was glad of the company if he was being honest and Richard helped keep his mind off of the pain as the bandage pulled tight against his chest.

"I've really gotta teach you how to ride, you know" Richard said with a hint of amusement in his tone "when we get back, I mean. There's this good yard I know-"

"Richard, if you think I'm ever getting on a horse again you've got another thing coming" James cut him off, his tone firm. But Richard merely chuckled and patted his knee "come on, it'll be fun" he said.

James was suddenly aware of how close Richard had become and he moved away slightly, wincing when the movement hurt his ribs. He saw Richard's eyes flash with hurt for a second but then the expression cleared and James was left wondering if he had imagined the look that had crossed Richard's face at all.

The medic was soon finished and James was cleared to go. He got up slowly and walked with Richard out of the small medical office to where Jeremy was waiting outside with the cars.

"How are you, May?" Jeremy asked as he tossed the keys to the Lotus to James.

"Just some broken ribs" James replied "I'm all bandaged up now so I guess we should be going"

Jeremy nodded and walked up to James and placed a hand on his shoulder "you frightened me there, mate. Let's not go near any more horses any time soon eh?" he said with a light chuckle before walking away towards his Porsche.

Richard meanwhile looked at James in concern "are you going to be okay? Do you want me to help you?" he asked. But James just gave him an annoyed glance, he knew Richard was trying to help but he didn't want to feel like an invalid.

"I can manage" James replied as he opened the door to the lotus and prepared to get inside.

The pain increased as he got into the drivers seat and he couldn't contain the hiss of pain that escaped as he settled himself inside. He could see from the corner of his eye that Richard was inching to help him, a worried look on his face, but soon James was settled in his car and he turned to give Richard a small smile "see, I'm fine"

The look on Richard's face said he wasn't convinced.

* * *

That night at the hotel, Richard stayed beside James like a mother hen and when he thought James wasn't looking, kept giving James these sad glances. It was starting to annoy James and pretty soon he had had enough.

After dinner, James gestured to Richard to follow him outside for a minute. Richard looked confused for a moment before following him.

Once outside James lit a cigarette to steady his nerves and looked up at the sky, the night was clear and the stars were shining brightly. It was peaceful.

"Mind telling me why you dragged me out here?" Richard's voice broke him out of his star gazing and he looked at Richard who was huddled against the cold.

"Yeah...what's with you today? You've been by my side all day and keep giving me these weird looks, what's wrong?"

Richard huffed out a small breath and looked up at the sky "you really want to know?" he asked.

"Well, yes. Come on, mate. Tell me" James urged. 

"Do you remember when we went to Syria? and you fell and cracked your head open?" at James' wince, Richard continued "well what happened today reminded me of that. I saw you go flying off of that horse and you landed so badly my mind went blind with panic. I was worried for you, May. More worried then I ever thought possible and...and it made me realise. Well...it made me realise something about our friendship" Richard trailed off. He was shivering more now, with the cold and possibly nerves.

"Go on..." James said. His heart quickening as he waited for Richard to continue. "Well..it made me realise that...that I may like you more then as a friend" Richard looked up at James "and this scares me and I don't know what to do about it"

James felt as if the air had been sucked from his lungs and he swallowed quickly, feeling himself begin to panic. Richard was looking at him with a worried expression "well?" he asked softly.

James tried to compose himself and let out a shaky breath "you're...in love with me?" he asked finally.

Richard nodded his head "yeah..." he said, his voice catching "and I don't understand..I've never..had.." he trailed off.

James was shaking his head "you're in love with me? And you think I know what to do? Richard...I just" He could see Richard visibly deflating before him and for a mad second he wanted to take those words back and give Richard what he wanted to hear, but really how could he? He felt like he had been dropped into waters too deep to safely swim in and it scared him.

"You don't feel the same do you?" was Richard's small reply. He looked up at James "I guess its for the best. I'm sorry for telling you, James. I didn't want to tell you. I thought it would complicate our friendship. Let's just forget this happened?" he gave James a fake smile and turned to go back inside.

"Hammond...." James called. But Richard didn't turn back. He just went inside without another glance backwards.

* * *

The next morning, James found he couldn't look at Richard and Richard refused to look at him. Every time he looked at Richard he felt his chest tighten in pain. He felt as if he had somehow ruined his friendship and it wouldn't go back to how it was and he desperately wished he could re-do the events of the night before. He would have had a better response to Richard's confession then, but he couldn't and he couldn't take back what he had said.

The mood had gotten so bad that even Jeremy noticed that they were not talking and asked them exactly what had happened.

"Nothing happened" was Richard's response and James nodded his head, yes nothing had happened. That was what was wrong with everything.

Driving along in their cars, Jeremy tried to play peace keeper and tried to get them to talk to each other using games, but neither James nor Richard were playing along. Of course, James wanted to fix his relationship with Richard, but he didn't know how. He didn't know himself how he felt about Richard and couldn't exactly lead him into false hope just to get him to talk to him again but he couldn't also lose Richard's friendship. He didn't know what to do. The whole thing just made him want to shut himself away and not come back out.

At the overnight halt, James and Richard were still not talking and Jeremy was getting increasingly concerned. In the end he asked James to meet him in his room, he had to figure this out.

James knocked on Jeremy's door and when Jeremy opened, quickly went inside.

Jeremy shut the door and handed James a beer "now tell me, what's going on between you and Hammond?"

James sighed and took a swig from his beer "I'm not sure I want to tell you" he replied.

Jeremy raised and eyebrow "oh? and why is that?"

"Well for one, you'll laugh"

"Depends if it's funny. What is it? It must be serious if you and Hammond aren't talking"

"Look, Jeremy, I'm not going to tell you. I wouldn't go to you for advice on this anyway"

But Jeremy kept pressing "advice on what? this is ridiculous! What's going on? Has Hammond confessed his undying love for you?" this was meant as a joke but as Jeremy said it he saw James' eyes widen and he looked surprised "he did, didn't he?" When James didn't reply, Jeremy said "James, just tell me"

"Okay, fine, yes he said he loved me. But I don't know what to do about it. He sprung it on me and now he won't talk to me or acknowledge me and it's killing me. I may have lost one of my best friends"

Jeremy was silent for a moment before he said "what does your heart tell you?"

James raised an eyebrow "that's incredibly cheesy of you, what do you mean by that?"

"I mean, think about it. Think hard. Do you feel the same? Now you've had time to process what he told you?" for once in his life, Jeremy was being serious. He wanted his friends to talk again.

James paused before replying "I don't know, maybe? I've never thought about it before...." he trailed off.

"Think about it. You need to know for sure. You can't leave him pining like this. It's not fair on him or your friendship. You need to make a decision" Jeremy replied.

"Why are you helping me? I was expecting you to take the piss" James asked.

"I don't joke when my friends are hurting because they're being idiots. Now go out there and talk to Hammond or I'll lock you in a room and make you talk"

James was about to reply but Jeremy was already leading him out of the door and pushing him back into the living room where Richard was watching the TV.

At the sound of James entering the room, Richard looked up, but then immediately looked away.

James felt his heart quicken and he walked closer to Richard. "Rich...please talk to me. Please. I need to talk to you" James said quietly.

Richard turned to look at him and stood up to face him, his eyes giving away no emotion "yes?" he responded, his voice soft.

"I...I I'm no good at this sort of thing. You know I'm not....and..I can't let this go on between us. It's not fair on you and it's not fair on me. And...what I'm trying to say is..."

He saw Richard looking at him and the look was full of longing and hope that he just couldn't take it one second longer. So he leaned forward and gently pressed his lips to Richard's.

Richard's response was immediate and he kissed James back with a passion James didn't know Richard was capable of and he matched Richard's kiss, drawing the smaller man towards him. Feeling for the first time in ages completely and utterly in content.

When they finally pulled a part for air, James smiled at Richard and threaded their hands together, just like Richard had done when James had fallen off of the horse.

"Hmmm" Richard said as he looked up at James, a wide smile on his face "that was..."

"Good?" James asked, feeling his chest flutter.

"Wanna do that again?" Richard asked and James chuckled before drawing Richard into another kiss. This time Richard threaded his fingers through James' hair and James almost swore Richard let out a little disappointed noise against his lips when he found that his hair was no longer long enough to tug how he wanted to.

James kissed him harder in response and almost lifted Richard off of his feet, but he settled to just running his hands down Richard's back, feeling the smooth planes of skin under his hands. The kissing got a little more heated and soon James knew where this was heading, so he started to gently push Richard away from the living room and down towards his bedroom door, he stopped briefly in his caresses to open the door and soon pushed Richard into room and closed the door behind them.

* * *

The next morning, James awoke to sunlight poring into his room. He blinked sleep from his eyes and looked to his side where he saw Richard curled into a ball by his side, his hair all messy and disarrayed and the sun casting a glow on his slightly muscled body.

James wondered how he had gotten so lucky. How had he found himself waking up with his best friend...who he was in love with? It was an insane, but happy turn of events. It got even better when Richard started to stir and he blinked back sleep to look at James with warm brown eyes "m'orning" he said to James softly as he leaned up to kiss him.

James returned the kiss softly at first but then a little bit more vigorously. He pulled back with a chuckle and Richard smiled sleepily back up at him before laying back down onto the sheets.

"It's too early to get up, come on. Get back in bed" Richard mumbled as he tried and failed to pull James back down towards him. James compiled and laid down next to Richard, pulling the shorter man towards him. If he got to wake up like this every day he'd be a happy man.

They stayed in bed for a little while, lightly trading kisses or cuddling and it was absolutely perfect.

James found himself thinking he was incredibly lucky. Lucky to have this. He felt whole, complete. He hadn't know that he was missing this until now. And he wouldn't trade this feeling for the world.

He was happy.

He had made the right choice.


End file.
